Video Game skits

[Kumbao]

I wrote a few video game skits. Since this is a video game forum, I thought I post them here. Maybe one or two of you guys like them.

AC Valhalla

Fulke waits for Eivor. She needs that confrontation. So she sits in her layer and waits. Her assistant enters.
Assistant: "We've got reports. She is in Suthsexe now"
Fulke: "Very good. Soon she will find Sigurd and my plan will work out"

Two days later:
Fulke: "Where is she?"
Assistant: "She is still in Suthsexe. Reports say she is currently..." He checks his notes. "...fishing."
Fulke: "What is this devil planning?"

One month later
Fulke: "Where is she now?"
Assistant: "She left Suthsexe two weeks ago. She is currently in Lundun. Chasing tattoos"
Fulke: "I don't understand. Doesn't she care for her brother?"
Assistant: "To be fair, you should see her new ink. She has a back tattoo now that is just..."
He feels Fulke's cold gaze.
Assistant: "...I'm gonna let myself out".

Half a year later
Fulke: "Tell me anything good. I can't take Sigurd anymore. There are only so and so many times you can tell somebody that he is a god, before it becomes ridiculous"
Assistant: "You won't like it"
Fulke: "Just hit me"
Assistant: "She is currently in Ravensthorpe. That little brack of water became a real town by now. She was in Ireland. Twice. Once to help her cousin against some druids. And then a second time, because she said something about having forgotten a cairn there. She also went back to Norway. For fishing".
Fulke: "What the... I cut off her brother's arm!"
Assistant: "And she uses that arm now to do arm wrestling by herself"
Fulke: " Oh Lord, give me strength. And right now she is...?"
Assistant: "Tripping out of her mind with the village's Seer. She runs around Raventhorpe, completely high on hallucinogenic drugs and claims, she is Odin. The children and the dogs love her for that".
Fulke: "..."
Assistant: "..."
Sigurd: (shouts from the background) “Fulke. I'm sleepy. Could you tell me the story about me being a God again? Its my favorite"
Fulke: "I hate my life"


One year later
Fulke: "Do I even want to know?"
Assistant: "She is Francia now”
Fulke just stares at him. Empty.
Assistant: “Sieging Paris".
He laughs nervously.
Fulke: "God hates me".

 

[Kumbao]

AC Valhalla

Eivor: "Alright. Lets check the map again. Nice, we have everything now. Oh, wait. What is this? 'Free Sigurd'... Who?"
Randvi: "Your brother? My husband. Our Jarl".
Eivor: "Right. Sigurd."
Both stand in awkward silence.
Randvi: "You still don't remember, do you?"
Eivor: "Remind me again. Was he the guy with the half bald hair and the beard?"
Randvi: "No. That was Dag"
Eivor: "Right. Dag. He was fun. Haven't seen him in a while. I wonder what he is up to"
Randvi: "He is dead. You killed him".
Eivor: "Well. That explains it. But we were talking about Sigfried"
Randvi: "Sigurd"
Eivor: "Him too. What did he look like again?"
Randvi: "Well ... he has hair. And a beard. And arms. Or only one arm by now"
Eivor: "You don't remember him either"
Randvi: "I remember him more than you do. And ours was not a marriage of love to begin with"
Eivor: "That means I really have to save him now, doesn't it?"
Randvi: "Looks like it"
Pause.
Eivor: (winks at Randvi) "Anyway. Want to go for one more round in the hay before I'm off to Suthsexe? Might be the last time before your husband comes back"
Randvi: "You just read my mind".

 

[Kumbao]

Elden Ring

"Heed my words. I'm Malenia. Blade of Miquella. And I have never known defeat".
The warrior before her lifted his sword and attacked. His strike was true, but not true enough for Malenia. She parried his attack and with two quick slashes it was done.
The warrior dropped to his knees and fell over. She sheathed her sword. She was the Blade of Miquella. And she has never known defeat.

The warrior returned. His armor a bit shinier. His sword a bit bigger. He gleamed in confidence. Malena stood up and put her helmet on.
She drew her blade. "Heed my words. I'm Malenia. Blade of Miquella. And I have never known defeat". He came at her. But he was so clumsy. Still too slow. Still too weak. Malenia didn't even have to side step his attack this time. If anything, his attack was even worse than the first time around. She ended it quickly.

He came again. Malenia was impressed. His armor became even shinier. And his weapon was that of a God. He had clearly put work into this. Malena could see he was trying.
She stood up and repeated her whole "Heed my words"-routine and drew her sword.
This time she wanted to give him a little chance. He clearly tried. He deserved a slight pad on the back.
He charged at her, but his stance was all wrong. He held the sword like a fishing rod. His attack went nowhere. Malenia didn't move. He turned towards her, but then he raised up his shield and just stood there. Looking at her. With that dumb expression on his face. Malenia felt disgust in her rising. "He is a moron", she thought to herself. Then she drove her blade through his body.

He returned. Of course he returned. There he stood. In that stupid polished armor. With that stupid giant sword in his hand. And that ugly face. Gods, she hated him so much.
"Why do you keep coming?", she wanted to say.
But her mouth just said: "Heed my words...".
She hated herself for that. But she couldn't. She had to accept every challenger. No matter how bad they were.
He attacked. The fight was over in one second.

There he stood. Looking at her. He disgusted her so much. And yet he just kept coming. Over and over again. He had bashed his head so often against a wall by now, Malenia was not so sure anymore if the wall would win.
No. Her wall had crumbled. They had done this dance one hundred times by now. And he only got worse. She would end it. Here and now. She would just stand there and do nothing. He would hit her sooner or later. And then she never had to see him ever again.
He charged at her, but he tripped and fell into his own sword.
Malenia died inside.

She couldn't take it anymore. It was amusing the first 20 times. But not anymore. This was hell. Actual hell. She thought it was bad before. The loneliness. But now she craved it. Now the Gods had sent her the real stab with their knife. Now she was trapped ... with the world's biggest imbecile. She knew that this would be her eternity. She had never known defeat. She never hated that fact more than now.
She heard that stupid sound behind her. The sound of someone entering. She stood up and took her helmet.
"Heed my words", she mechanically said. "I'm Malenia. Blade of...".
She stopped. She looked at the warrior in front of her. It was the same warrior as those hundreds of times before. But he looked different. He was wearing nothing but his underwear. And instead of his helmet he was wearing a pot. He held two swords.
Malenia smiled and felt a tear running down her face.

 

[Kumbao]

Final Fantasy 16

Clive sat by the fire. It was raining. Again. He could feel his black hair dye running down his face. But Clive didn't care. He was sad. Again.
He thought back to Cape Caerleon. All those people. Dead. Because of him.
He stared into the fire. He wished it would devour his soul.
He thought back to the destruction.
It was kind of cool, when he threw Titan into that one house.
But all those people. Clive clenched his fist and looked up. The rain pelted his face and ran down like tears,
That one bodyslam was pretty crazy though. Holy ****.
But also tragic. So tragic. Everything. Tragic.
Sadsadsad.
But goddamn. Bam—when he decked Garuda. And when he fell into the house. That actually looked kind of funny.
Very, very tragic... but also funny.
The rain let up. Damn.
Anyway, Clive was curious to see what awaited him in Royal Meadows. He was actually looking forward to it a little.