Writing Mettatale (Undertale au) by me!

[lilan castel]

Here
This au happens after Mettaton becomes the king. He established a dystopian soceity and brainwashed everyone. only the rebels who live in the ruins aren't affected. The story follows Meena the 9th human and her mission to free the underground. along with old friends and some new ones she will write her own tale. She will fail or she will do it?
I post it here because I want from you to critquie my work. thank you!

 

[Odin]

I haven't personally played Undertale, so I can't speak to much of the stories content, but I can offer some feedback on some technical aspects to your writing.

First, I would recommend checking over your writing for typos and small grammatical mistakes before posting. There are a few spots where the word at the start of a sentence isn't capitalized, or a period is missing from the end of a sentence. There's also a part in the third paragraph where the beginning of some dialog is marked with a quotation mark ("), but there isn't one at the end. There are a few other spots were dialog is not marked. These are all small errors, and easily fixed, but they can also slow down the reader as each will take them out of the story. It's good to get in the habit of reading over what you've written before sharing it.

Speaking of dialog, I'd also encourage you to try and use more! There are several spots, including in the first paragraph, where you say people are talking, but don't write the dialog:

they approach to Meena and introude herself as Alphys. the new caretaker of this place. She asks Meena for her name. Meena respond her name and ask where is she. Alphys tell her that they are in the RUINS.

I think writing out the actual dialog for these two characters would improve the story! There are other spots in your story where dialog could also be added in. If you don't feel as confident writing dialog, I found a pretty good guide on the grammar and structure of it: https://self-publishingschool.com/how-to-write-dialogue/

The last bit of feedback I'd give can be better explained by many other people, so I'll let someone else do it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqk_a5LfR5Y. The main point of "show, don't tell" is to include more details, take the time to describe your locations, characters, and the actions they take.

 

[Dr. eeL]

Dear Ms. Lilan,
Oden the Wise, has given you good advice. Today's word typing programs will all attempt to point out grammatical and spelling errors, by underlining the word or phrase. Use spell checker or grammar checker at the top of the page. I am sure that if I wrote in your home language (not possible), I would look rather silly. You have a delightful imagination, and if I was to give you advice, I would say to fill out your characters with more personality. Since your audience identifies with, and loves following Stardew characters, if you use a Stardew character, have them act, and talk as if you wish they could talk to you when playing the game.

 

[lilan castel]

Dear Ms. Lilan,
Oden the Wise, has given you good advice. Today's word typing programs will all attempt to point out grammatical and spelling errors, by underlining the word or phrase. Use spell checker or grammar checker at the top of the page. I am sure that if I wrote in your home language (not possible), I would look rather silly. You have a delightful imagination, and if I was to give you advice, I would say to fill out your characters with more personality. Since your audience identifies with, and loves following Stardew characters, if you use a Stardew character, have them act, and talk as if you wish they could talk to you when playing the game.

Unfortunately they don't. and this isn't realted to Stardew.