This is awesome, Haley roasted me good! Oooo now I'm thinking about how this could be adapted to the other villagers. I hope this doesn't come across too negative as that's pretty much the point of a roast.
Alex: Uses the smallest crops on your Farm to describe how inadequate your puny arms are for sports. "Dug up 4 garlic today? Do you get winded and need to rest under a tree for 4 hours afterwards?"
Harvey: Finds the best way to charge you in Backpack items when you can't pay after rescuing you from the Mines. "I'll just take this Radioactive Ore to power the lifesaving MRI we're getting next month..." "Whaaat?? Fertilizer? What fool farmer uses radiation to grow crops with all the warning stories that've been written explicitly to warn against exactly that?!"
Penny: Admonishes you for hoarding all the v1.6 books you sell to the Bookseller. "You come here claiming to make the town a better place but sell instead of donate your 3rd copy of Friendship 101 or Jewels of the Sea or The Diamond Hunter when you already have 150,000g." "Oh pardon me, Ms. Moneybags! 1.5 MILLION, should I expect to see a giant gaudy clock on your farm soon to inform you when it's time to count your next million?"
Emily: Chastises you for being an unbeliever in crystal magic and the purifying effect of incense. "Wait. You believe that Bears can make phone calls, you can teleport yourself all over the place with a stupid painted table leg, and that magic dancing stick-figure apples can:
- build a bridge
- fix minecart infrastructure
- repair a motor vehicle
- build you a Greenhouse on your own farm when you're too lazy to
- and move the very earth we stand on?"
"Yet you think crystal magic and feelings of positivity aren't grounded enough in reality?" "Are you really smart enough to find your way to your bed at night or do you just depend on Marlon do to it for you after you pass out?"
Abigail: Criticizes you for never even once lending much less giving her your extra swords. "You have ELEVEN bone swords and just toss them in a discarded chest? What are you waiting for, a paleontologist to fashion them into a dinosaur skeleton?" "Only four Obsidian edges? Yeah whatever could I possibly want with one of thos-- wait." Narrowed eyes piercing your soul, "You. b____. Dad got to you didn't he, you weak, spineless toad."
Leah: Leaves no uncertainty about your excessive Foraging in Cindersap and Town. "Hmmmph. Noticed your hoofprints all over the forest mud with nary a horseradish or spring onion to be seen. Not even a barely palatable dandelion." "And never see any freshly plucked ones at Pierre's either, just hoarding them I suppose. I guess I'll continue dieting until I waste away to nothingness, Miss Plump." "Maybe you should open a weight loss clinic and just deny everyone in town access to any food while you directly sell giant piles of Ancient Fruit Wine to some other corner of the republic. Probably the Gotoros! I'm sure you love their filthy money."
Maru: Wonders how you can be swimming in ores and bars while she's forced to work with cheap iron and leftover scraps. "You have a magic statue that just dispenses iridium ore like a soda fountain, so much that you use it as dye to make yet another derivative purple outfit? And never thought that maybe some people in town could use any of that extra free metal you randomly dumped in that chest in the corner because there's so much that your flabby arms can't lift all of it to get it organized." "What? Oh, must be nice for your dead grandfather to leave you a free farm which 2 years later spits out a magic iridium ATM just because you figured out how to grow a couple parsnips and pet animals!"
Shane: is Shane
