Why slimes? Because you wake up one morning, snuggle the baby, chase the toddler and head outside to greet your darling husband, Sebastian. “Hey, you know what could be fun for us?” He says. “Raising slimes.” Well, whatever baby wants, baby gets, so you make an egg press and head to Robin’s to build a slime hutch. She doesn’t even ask about her grandchildren. You press some eggs, manage to hatch several colors but come home every night covered in slime and little bites. Who knew those suckers had such sharp teeth! You walk into the hutch one evening after harvesting wheat and forget you’re wielding your scythe. In seconds half your herd is gone. The rest of the slimes are pissed. You finally drag yourself back home, bruised, bloodied, and stinking of slime. Trust me, it reeks. Sebastian smiles and says, “Hey, you know what we would enjoy? More colors of slimes.” You stare at him, unblinking, and decide to chop off that stupid swoop of hair with your lava katana while he is sleeping. Why did you ever think that twee, tortured emo boy act was cute?
Don’t raise slimes.