lilan castel
Farmer
Your mission today is invent the formula for the unbeloved Joja cola! Good luck!
Even more joja theories
- Thread starter lilan castel
- Start date
Quillmagic
Farmer
Hmm... Sugar, high fructose corn syrup, a little bit of water, and sorbitol. (Maybe some acid, as Shane's commercial says "The world-class scientists at Joja Headquarters have determined Joja Bluu DOES NOT cause a significant erosion of the stomach lining.", implying the other kinds do.)
lilan castel
Farmer
Don't forget how to make it
Lew Zealand
Helper
In the darkened husk of a disused century-old brick-laden factory, a small band of surviving Joja worker bees glumly tend to The Mix. Wisps of steam rise from what at first glance seems to be a cauldron, but in a former life was used to pour molten metals. There are reasons why Joja Cola is occasionally marketed as an Iron Supplement.
White delivery vans pull up at irregular intervals to drop off the mix of "up to 12 different spices and minerals" which in reality corresponds to various suppliers who can provide the necessary caramel color, caramel flavor, Gargamel flavor, medium fructose cauliflower syrup, "may-pal" syrup, stabilizers, spoilers, anti-sway bars, hair tonics, methyl alcohol, ethyl alcohol, Ethel Merman, phosphoric acid, phosphine gas, and caffeine Caffeine CAFFEINE!!!
Joja Cola™. Now 99.44% Arsine-free!
Sigrah
Farmer
* Joja employee tears, extracted from experienced Joja Torture Technicians (for base solution and bitter flavoring).
* Joja crystalized sugar substitute (for sweetness to help mask those bitter employee tears).
* Joja fructose corn syrup (made from the "finest" experimental, genetic enhanced mutant corn. No side effects whatsoever. Nope. None at all).
* Joja Imitation Window Cleaner (for blue coloring and definitely within acceptable and totally safe drink standards).
* "Trace" amounts of other possible ingredients, including but not limited to: Joja employee blood and other bodily fluids, iron rust, battery acid, dissolved but totally unnoticeable body parts, and other possible ingredients depending on the day it was brewed.
* And of course, Joja's main secret ingredient in the quantities you enjoy most. We can't tell you what it is, we can only promise it was humanely put down first and was drained of all the embalming fluid before being added to our brewing vats. We promise! It's our Joja Guarantee!**
** Guarantee void if consumed in any quantity. Side effects may include: Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Constipation, Blood in Urine and/or Stool, Muscle Pain, Weakness, and Dizziness. If you see Elder Gods, Great Old Ones, or other Lovecraftian minions, please see a Joja-Mart doctor right away as this is a common, potentially deadly, and totally unrelated side effect of drinking Joja Cola.
* Joja crystalized sugar substitute (for sweetness to help mask those bitter employee tears).
* Joja fructose corn syrup (made from the "finest" experimental, genetic enhanced mutant corn. No side effects whatsoever. Nope. None at all).
* Joja Imitation Window Cleaner (for blue coloring and definitely within acceptable and totally safe drink standards).
* "Trace" amounts of other possible ingredients, including but not limited to: Joja employee blood and other bodily fluids, iron rust, battery acid, dissolved but totally unnoticeable body parts, and other possible ingredients depending on the day it was brewed.
* And of course, Joja's main secret ingredient in the quantities you enjoy most. We can't tell you what it is, we can only promise it was humanely put down first and was drained of all the embalming fluid before being added to our brewing vats. We promise! It's our Joja Guarantee!**
** Guarantee void if consumed in any quantity. Side effects may include: Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea, Constipation, Blood in Urine and/or Stool, Muscle Pain, Weakness, and Dizziness. If you see Elder Gods, Great Old Ones, or other Lovecraftian minions, please see a Joja-Mart doctor right away as this is a common, potentially deadly, and totally unrelated side effect of drinking Joja Cola.
Last edited: